Neal and the Never Land Pirate
by Archer800
Summary: Killian is left in charge of baby Neal for a few hours. Mischief ensues. Captain Swan fluff at end. :) Please read and review Other characters include Baby Charming, Henry, David and Mary Margaret


This is my first OUAT fanfiction, so take it easy on me. Hope you enjoy! :)

Emma sat with her one year old brother on the couch. His little face was tucked into the couch pillows and his back moved up and down each time he breathed in and out. She rubbed his back fondly as she flicked off the tv.

She could hear the bustling about of her parents in the kitchen and Henry came around in front of her.

"Hey kid. Ready to go?"

He was dressed in a nice white shirt with a navy blazer. She smiled and stood up to look at him. He nodded, glancing over her shoulder towards the door. "Is Killian here yet?"

"He will be. He offered to watch Neal while we were gone."

Henry smiled, clearly amused. "You think he can handle it?"

Emma rolled her eyes, about to give him a snarky reply when there was a knock at the door. Henry took her spot next to Neal as she got up to answer the door. In the door way stood her leather clad pirate, his hook at his side and a smile on his face.

"Hello, love."

Emma took his hand and pulled him inside. He smirked as he glanced around, spotting David and Mary Margaret racing about the apartment floor. "Everyone seems a little hasty tonight, hmm?"

Emma rolled her eyes again. "My mom doesn't want to miss our reservations." She drew close to him, her hands resting on his chest. "I wish you could come."

Killian shrugged it off nonchalantly. "Hey, it's alright. Spend some time with your family and I'll spend time with the little lad."

Emma smiled and led him to where Henry and her brother sat on the couch. Neal had curled further into the cushions, in a tight little ball. Mary Margaret called to Emma across the room. The black haired woman ran over quickly to place a kiss on Neal's forehead, while David ruffled his light hair. "There's a list of what needs to be done on the kitchen counter." David informed him with a unsure face. Emma knew her father and mother weren't all overjoyed to have Killian babysit, but Emma had convinced them otherwise.

"Teach Hook the signs."

Killian looked at her curiously, quirking an eyebrow. "Signs?"

Emma sighed. "Yes, the signs." She touched her fingers together several times. "This is 'more'." Next she pressed her fingers to her mouth. "This is if he wants food." Then she showed him her palms. "He doesn't want anymore."

Killian seemed perplexed by the signs, but he nodded and said, "No problem, love."

"Emma, come on! We're gonna be late!" Mary Margaret called as they were walking out the door. Emma leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. For a brief moment, Killian forgot where he was and what he was doing. The bloody things this woman could do to him. "You sure you want to do this?" She asked after pulling back.

"Good luck." She glanced at her brother. "Make sure he behaves, Neal."

Killian placed a hand over his heart. "You wound me."

She threw on a fake smile and followed her family out the door, Henry directly behind her. He turned to look at him. "Bye, Killian."

"Bye lad. Have fun."

Killian turned to where Neal slept peacefully. "Okay. Sit the baby. Right." He looked around, unsure of what to do while the lad slept. He ended up sitting on the cushion next to Emma's brother. He grabbed the 'remote' that Emma had taught him controlled the magic box. Pressing the on button, he flipped through different 'channels' and settled on one that showed a pirate ship. Aboard was the most absurd pirate he'd ever seen, with all kinds of jewelry, long dirty hair, a bandana wrapped about his head, and moving his hands in an extremely ridiculous way. He faced an ugly man with tentacles for a face.

"What kind of pirate is this man?" He said aloud.

As he watched, he felt his eyes growing heavy, his head tipping back on the pillow, and before he knew it, he was fast asleep.

A loud bang awoke Killian from his slumber and he leapt from the couch where he'd rested. He glanced sideways to where Neal lay-or at least where Neal had been laying.

"Bloody hell." He cursed. He falls asleep for barely ten minutes and the child disappears. He looked around hastily, hoping to see Neal crawling across the kitchen floor or using the loft ladder as a hold to stand up. However, he was sorely disappointed. The boy was no where to be found.

He walked about anxiously, searching high and low. There was a sudden flushing noise, followed by a joyful giggle. Killian trailed the noise to the bathroom. Relief flooded through him when he spotted Neal using the toilet as a hold, where he was gripping the toilet handle and the water was whirling within the porcelain bowl. He laughed again when he noticed the pirate standing there, a wide toothy smile on his face.

Killian sighed and twisted his hook off, setting it down on the sink. "Alright, lad. That's enough mischief for one night." He gestured for Neal to come to him, kneeling down and outstretching his arms. The baby grinned and let go of the toilet and began to wobbly walk forward. However, when he reached the sink, he stumbled and grabbed hold of the sink above where Killian crouched. Unfortunately, in that exact spot sat a small container of white powder. And unfortunately, Neal's hand connected with that container.

The white powder was dumped over Killian's black hair, coating it white. He closed his eyes, frozen. He opened one eye to look at the happy-go-lucky face of Neal Charming. "Well, this is a good start."

After cleaning himself as best he could, he moved forward and lifted the boy awkwardly, resting him in the arm with a hand. He quickly exited the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. He set Neal down on the floor where his toys rested and dashed to the counter to find the list. He read through the to do list.

"First thing: Dinner."

He looked down at Neal, who was watching him curiously. "That shouldn't be too difficult, right?"

He'd placed Neal in the high chair and carefully snapped on the tray, in which Neal started pounding on with tiny fists. He pressed his fingers to his mouth several times. Killian patted his head. "Be patient, young Neal."

He looked back at the paper, where it read, "Food for Neal is in the fridge."

He glanced around. "Fridge is the. . .ice box."

He opened the white box and searched the contents of the 'fridge'. Neal yelled impatiently from behind him. Soon, he found a small container that was labeled 'Neal'.

"Here we are."

He took out the plastic container and placed the contents on a plate with a smiling cartoon character. His dinner consisted of mashed potatoes, teeny bits of chicken and small diced green beans. He pulled up a stool in front of the high chair. "Sorry mate, I don't know how to use the heating box, so you'll have to have it cold.".

The child just gurgled and continued to press his fingers to his mouth excitedly. Killian laughed. "Alright, alright." He set the plate down on the tray and found a small spoon for the baby. However, Neal ignored the spoon and picked up a piece of chicken with his hands. He gobbled it up hastily and drool rolled down his chin. Killian smiled and reached back for a napkin. "Someone's hungry, eh mate-"

As he turned with the napkin, something lumpy and cold splattered over his face. He froze, as Neal laughed hysterically. He drew a hand slowly across the substance, wiping potato from his eyes. He glared at Neal, who looked just about as amused as anything.

"Oh, you think that's amusing, huh mate? Well, is this amusing?" Killian wiped the potato down the bridge of Neal's nose. The baby froze, then burst out laughing. Killian couldn't help but smile too at the child's antics. He wiped the potato off his face and then Neal's. Another handful was soon smeared all over Killian and Neal's face. He couldn't help but grin at the stubborn, yet giddy baby.

"You're a right little pirate, aren't you?"

After Neal had eaten and they'd cleaned up, Killian checked the next item on the list. "Change into pajamas."

Neal played with a few blocks and stacking toys on the floor near the kitchen, banging some loudly together and rambling in that ridiculous baby talk. Hook watched him from a safe distance, having a block already aimed at his head earlier. It was only six thirty, so he'd decided to let the lad play for a while before getting ready for bed.

Neal suddenly looked up, all joy gone from his face. He stared directly at Killian and the pirate tilted his head. "What's wrong, lad?"

The child outstretched his hand and Killian reached out his own hand and let Neal grab his fingers. The baby held them tightly, cooing softly as he observed each jeweled ring on his fingers. Killian sat there, unsure of where this was going. Before Killian could do anything, Neal stretched forward and chomped down on his fingers. Neal didn't have all his teeth, but the ones he did have sure were sharp.

Killian yelled in pain and surprise, ripping his hand from Neal and falling backwards off the stool he sat on. He caught himself with his stump as he looked over his throbbing fingers. They had small indents and were extremely red and bruising, painfully pulsing whenever he moved them.

His examination was interrupted by Neal's laughter. "Uh-oh." He giggled. He glared across the room where the baby was squealing happily and clapping. "What's so funny, mate? Want me to lose my other hand as well?"

Neal just smiled widely, showing off his pearly whites. Killian got to his feet. "Bloody smug, aren't you?" He muttered under his breath. He crouched down to look the baby in the eyes. "Did your father put you up to this, you little tyke?"

Suddenly, Neal's face became one of discomfort and his smile turned into a frown. He began to make whining noises and Killian matched the look. "I was hoping this wouldn't happen."

Thankfully, as soon as he opened the diaper, he knew it wasn't big business. Just a wet diaper. Probably because most of his dinner had ended up on Killian's face. But he was confused by the difference of diapers now to diapers from his time. Neal's diaper was made of a strange fabric, with no pins or cloth. How the bloody hell did it hold together?

He tossed the old diaper in the trash and began to search for a fresh one. He had thoroughly searched the floor, high and low, in stuff, behind stuff, everywhere. There wasn't a diaper in sight. "Bloody hell."

So, to improvise, he found a dish towel and a few pins, plus some 'tape' to be safe. He wrapped the towel about Neal and pinned it there, taping the edges in case the pins failed. He stood Neal up, letting him grip his one bruised hand and his stump so that he didn't tip and fall.

The diaper held together and Killian sighed in relief. "Alright, no more surprises for me until your parents arrive."

Neal glanced at the door. "Da-da. Ma-ma."

Killian rubbed his thumb over Neal's hand. "They'll be home soon, mate. Be patient."

"Pajama time, mate."

An hour had passed of playing with toys and trying to bite Killian's fingers again. After the fifth time of trying to munch on his flesh, the pirate went searching for the thing Emma called a 'teether'. He discovered it in the 'freezer' and Neal had chewed on it for a while, before chucking it at Killian's head. Now, the dashing rapscallion was sporting a massive headache.

However, he didn't hold anything against the tyke. In fact, he believed they were getting along quite well.

Neal's bedtime clothing was already laid out where his crib was. They were a soft one-piece, that even covered his feet. The blue colored pajamas had small ducks on them, their fuzzy yellow faces brightened by cartoonish smiles.

"The Charmings have a Swan and a bloody duckling."

He brought them out to where Neal was using the couch as a hold. He picked up the kid again, his stump under the baby's bottom and a hand across his stomach and carried him to the bedroom. The crib was in the Charmings room, considering they only lived in a two bedroom apartment floor. He set Neal on his back on the bed and began to change him out of his day clothes and into his night clothes.

Each time Killian put one foot in the pajama and go to put the other one in, Neal had already removed the first foot. He struggled for ten minutes, cursing under his breath and complaining profoundly to the smug little Charming.

Finally, he zipped up the pajamas and sat Neal up on his bottom. "That's done with. What now, mate?" Neal stared at him, chewing on his fingers, drool running down his hand and chin. Killian tilted his head in exasperation. "That helps me none, Neal."

He put the baby down on the floor, deciding to try something new from the awkward one handed carrying. He let Neal grab his fingers and his arm, and he stood on wobbly legs. Soon though he got used to it and began to move forward, using Killian's hand (and arm) as a hold and guide.

They walked slowly and steadily back into the main room, Neal smiling like a fool the whole way and Killian couldn't help but mimic him. The one year old's joy was contagious.

He stopped once he reached the living room and he let Neal transfer from his hand to the couch. He grabbed the list from the couch and looked it over. "He can have a snack before you lay him down. Cheerios will do. Also, put the tv on channel 44. He likes the show at 8:30."

Killian brought out a tray from the high chair and set it on the couch where Neal was standing. Making sure the boy was well occupied with some toys, he raced behind the island of the kitchen and began to ransack each cupboard. "Cheerios, cheerios, what're bloody cheerios?"

He finally found a bright yellow box that had the exact name across the front.

He dumped a handful of the round treat on the tray and sat down on the floor next to where Neal stood. The one year old clapped and began to eat the snack. Suddenly, as if it were a trigger, Neal sat down on the floor and his bottom lip began to pop out, his smile now a sad frown. Fat tears rolled down his cheeks and he began to cry, his face pitiful and forlorn.

Killian had no clue of what to do. He was never a father or an uncle or even a sitter. He wasn't all that great of a comfort to anyone, besides maybe Emma. And the last time he "babysat", it was a thirteen year old that he betrayed to Peter Pan and the Lost Boys.

So, he reacted on what came to him first. He reached forward and scooped up the little child, letting him rest in the crook of his right arm. "Its alright, mate. Here."

He flipped through the channels until he came across 44. What awaited clearly amused Neal, but horrified and disgusted Killian beyond belief and he couldn't help himself.

"Who the bloody hell is that supposed to be?"

A cartoon man stood in the magic box, wearing a long red coat, a huge hat with a big fluffy feather, and a hook on his left hand. His hair was big and black and his moustache was pointy and stiff and utterly absurd. "Is that man. . . Me?" He suddenly remembered a certain conversation he'd had in the past, in a jungle far from Storybrooke.

 _"Tell me something, love. In these stories. . .what was I like? Other than a villain. . .handsome, I gather?"_

 _"If waxed moustaches and perms are your thing."_

 _"I take it from your tone, perms are bad?"_

Oh yes. They are absolutely atrocious. Demoralizing. In fact, this one chance encounter completely disheartened him from wanting to see any other fairytale characters as the realm with no magic saw them.

From within his arms, Neal laughed when the "pirate" (if that) fell on his head. "Come now, Neal, I'm much better than that pompous joke. Surely you think I'm more of dashing rapscallion than that monstrosity, eh mate?"

Neal looked at him and grabbed his nose. Killian smiled. "I'll just take that as a yes."

Killian stood up and they settled more comfortably on the couch, Neal tucked in the crook of his arm. They watched the tv together, both equally tired from their earlier escapades.

Neither one protested the sleep that came to them.

Emma laughed at her father's joke as they all walked down the sidewalk together. She had Henry next to her, her arm around his shoulders, while Mary Margaret and David walked hand in hand next to them. Their stomachs were full and they had taken a walk under the moon until they'd decided it was time to return home. On their way, they dropped Henry off with Regina, Robin, and Roland and continued on their way.

Honestly, Emma believe that her mother missed her baby. And if Emma was being honest, she missed her pirate. She just hoped that her brother and Hook had gotten along okay. Neal was so used to Belle or Granny watching him, it must've been different having a one handed man care for him.

Henry was the only one who didn't seem worried. He told her that Killian would know what to do when it mattered; he claimed that the dastardly swashbuckling rogue was a natural.

Emma could only hope he was right. Her mom and dad would never let Killian back if he'd done badly.

They reached the apartment and climbed the stairs until they'd reached the familiar door. David withdrew his key and unlocked the door. Emma peered past her parents, expecting a mess of some sort. But she was met by the apartment she'd left three hours earlier.

Her parents walked cautiously inside and Emma followed. Emma heard nothing, not Killian or Neal. Only the loud noises of Disney Junior coming from the television. When she went to investigate,she discovered the two missing people. Her brother and pirate were fast asleep on the couch, the tv casting different hues on their faces. A tray of cheerios sat beside them. Neal was tucked into the arm of Killian, whose fingers were purple with bruises and red indents. His face was calm and content, his head dropped to one side. His hair was spotted with several powdery white spots. Neal looked just as happy as he did, but with no bruises or white splotches in his hair.

David came up behind her. Her father moved forward as if to wake them up, but Emma stopped him. "Let them sleep. It looks like they earned it."

"Alright. But you stay here with them in case Neal wakes up."

Emma nodded and Charming moved forward to kiss Neal on the forehead, before following Snow to their bedroom. Emma watched him go, then sat down on the couch next to Killian. He shifted and his head lifted to look at her through sleepy eyes. "Hello, love."

"Hey," she greeted. "Was it a rough night?"

She rested her hand on his arm and he grinned softly. "Your brother seems to enjoy torturing a pirate, Swan." He told her. She laughed and ran her finger through his hair, drawing back to examine the powder on her hands. "I can see that." She then touched the bruises on his hands and he nodded at Neal. "The tyke's got the teeth of a great white. I barely escaped with my hand."

"Yeah, he's a real villain, isn't he?"

Killian shook his head, looking down fondly at her brother. "No. I'd say he's a little pirate. Dashing and smart, just like his Captain."

Emma rolled her eyes. "Keep this babysitting up and you'll have your own little crew, consisting of the children of Storybrooke."

Killian leaned forward and their lips met, soft and sweet. When they pulled back, Emma rested her head on Hook's shoulder and closed her eyes, exhausted by her fun family night. Killian touched his lips to her head, placing his handless arm around her shoulders. Emma was just getting comfortable when footsteps approached from the hallway.

She watched as her mother walked out in a bathrobe. "Emma, have you seen my-never mind, it's right here." Her mother bent over and picked up a garment of some sort. She headed for the bathroom. Killian shifted next to her, a grumble in his throat. She looked at him curiously. "What-"

"Emma Swan! You're pirate needs to learn how to properly clean make up off the floor! And is this your hook? Why is it in the bathroom?"

Her father then came out and began to pour a glass of water. He turned and ran into the island, spilling the water on the counter. He began to search, then looked to Emma. "Have you see the good dish towel? It was here when we left."

Emma rolled her eyes while Killian grunted something incomprehensible. "I really need my own place."

Charming forgot the dish towel and went up to them. He reached forward and gently lifted the sleeping Neal, cradling him. He nodded gratefully to Killian, then slowly walked towards the bedroom.

Snow came out and tossed the hook to the Captain, with which he caught with his bruised hand. Twisting it into place, he faced Emma. "Tell you what, love," he smirked. "I'll help you find a new place tomorrow, if you help me sit babies next time."

Emma's lips moved upwards in the beginnings of a smile. "Deal."

The floor became silent as the lights were shut off and they all were preparing for bed. Emma peeked around for her parents, but when the coast was clear, she dragged Killian up to the loft. She pulled him down onto her bed with her and he quirked an eyebrow. "Sleeping with the babysitter, love? That's bad form."

She gave him a girly smile. "Hey I didn't have a childhood to be a rebel. Just shut up and go to sleep." He removed his hook once more, setting it down on the stand next to the bed. Together, they got comfortable under the sheets, his arms wrapped around her and her head tucked into his chest. "If this is what happens after caring for Neal, I'll definitely be back."

Soon, both the Savior and the Never land Pirate were fast asleep, the day's events long forgotten in their well earned rest.

Kind of cheesy blah ending, but whatever. Review. :)


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